Major developments afoot at St Peter's Basilica

In what is surely the most significant act to date in the pontificate of the gloriously reigning Holy Father, Supreme Pontiff and Bishop of Rome, Francis reverted to the traditional ‘Benedictine’ arrangement on the main altar at St Peter’s Basilica for the recent ordination/consecration/elevation/promotion of two priests to the college/order/fraternity/ministry of bishops.  

Vatican City, 24 October 2013 - Pope Francis ordains two new bishops

Reactions to this momentous event have been numerous and varied.  The People for Progressive Catholicism Inc issued a statement saying:

"The Bishop of Rome did not employ the traditional Benedictine arrangement as alleged.  That is to say, the picture in question is merely an optical illusion.  The candles were in fact arranged at precisely a 45 degree angle.  In the alternative, to the extent that the candles and altar cross were placed horizontally, that is to say, in a straight line, that is to say, not at a 45 degree angle or at any angle, this was the result of a last minute rearrangement of the altar perpetrated by a devious and cunning SSPX double agent masquerading as a master of ceremonies, but quite against the Bishop of Rome’s express wishes."

A spokeswoman of Catholics for the Hermeneutic of Reversal, Regression and Whatever Else It Takes to Undo Vatican II said that: 

"This is a clear sign that the Holy Father accepts that the action taken to restrict the Franciscan Friars of the Immaculate saying the Extraordinary Form of the Mass was an error of judgment, and he will be reversing his decree forthwith.  Furthermore, there are reports being circulated that the Most Supreme Pontiff employed an ungracious amount of Italian during the Mass.  This is not so.  Every word uttered by the Holy Father was in the Church’s mother tongue.  In the alternative, to the extent that the Holy Father did speak in Italian, that is to say, did not speak entirely in the Church’s mother tongue, that is to say, for large sections of the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass did not speak in Latin, then this was the result of an agent of the Liturgists’ Liberation Army tampering with the Order of Service, but quite against the Pontiff’s express wishes."

(Editor’s note: The Liturgists’ Liberation Army is the military wing of the Liturgists’ Liberation Organisation, established in 1964 in the midst of the Second Vatican Council and which was declared to be a terrorist organisation by the US Bishops’ Conference in 1988 – during the pontificate of Blessed Pope John Paul II).

In further shocking news, some English news outlets, including the august and hardly ever sensationalist or wrong BBC, are reporting that the new Holy Father could have a drinking problem, because he “very much likes martinis”.  One source we spoke to says that in fact this is a case of ‘lost in translation’, and that the original story in Italian says that Pope Francis is very much like Martini, a reference to the former Cardinal Archbishop of Milan.  When we put the latter proposition to the Holy Father, he said that while Martini (the man not the drink) was undoubtedly an intelligent, loyal servant of Holy Mother Church, “Buenos Aires is not Milan, you know.”  Regarding the question of drink, the Holy Father stated that:

"the Spirit with which I quench my thirst is not in liquid form.  But on the odd occasion that I do allow myself to enjoy a tipple, it’s a gin and tonic using Bombay Sapphire gin, of course.  If it happens to coincide with Gaudete or Laetare Sunday, I ensure that the order is for a pink (or more properly a rose) gin.  But no martinis, whether shaken or stirred."  

With these words the Holy Father dispelled any lingering doubts that some may have had as to his soundness, leaving only this question remaining: “Connery or Moore?"